Ever since my introduction to witchery and budding magehood at eight or nine, my nature has been one of an independent quest. We might also say SAF --- Solitary As Fuck, next to maybe a hermit in a tower. I've partaken in a few public rituals a year at most, and never a big overnighter pagan festival --- unless you counted our local Lopez Women's Camp when I was fourteen and just exploring the spirit lessons of both Eagle and early menstrual teenagerhood, or our local Solstice events, which differ from mainstream paganism and witchery in several ways. In part, this solitude was because there simply wasn't a lot to choose from; I got trained out of even looking for this type of event, beyond seasonal events or random small home-gatherings. But my solitary nature is multifaceted. Am I insecure? Am I just lazy? Or do I really just prefer my own company? Either way, I don't extend a lot of my energy outward. Not to the extent I could.
Reading Sarah Lawless's (now defunct) blog recently showed me how I do a lot of things by halves . . . or rather, I do them by halves when it comes to outward public view. Inwardly, there may be an incredible amount going on, the whole-hog of spiritual growth --- the kind of development that led me to create the god of Absolute Zero, Issa, or become a kind of electric shaman, or design systems of divination, or make leather-bound potion books, or write an entire litany to St. Severus. But my work, my talent, my art in this field of magehood, tends to be priiivaaate: Less the high-profile witchy-witch, more the reclusive alchemist or mage. Some of my passions and makings do leak out, and do get shared. But it just never occurred to me to be fully like, "Look at me, world! I'm a witch! Aren't I awesome!"
This may be for the better; I think a lot of us know that one overly witched-out, high-profile, paganer-than-thou figure who's so annoying about their witchiness act, you kinda just want to shoot them, or at least shut them up somehow. As in, barf. But it's also true that my whole life, I've had professional-level talent in multiple media, and it's all been hidden under a bushel, never promoted and rarely sold; I had a hard time bringing any businesses together, though I flirted with the idea. Part of it is due to my parents, pretty much taking my dreams with a grain of salt (yeah Mom and Dad, I'm talking about you, and I'm still a little pissed): In the face of being subtlely pooh-poohed year after year, doing something like worshipping the Divine Mystery via Severus Snape is sort of the ultimate revenge. But to be blunt, my mother's dead, and been so for ten years. I love her, but frankly, fuck what she would think, or what she would say. There's no one to tell (no, excuse me, suggest faintly snidely) me now that being an alchemist or potions master is stupid, or that my stories and characters are dopey, or that I have "so much imagination", uh-huh. No one. Dad has clearly mellowed to the point where anything I do is fine, as long as I'm happy and not killing anybody. In fact, he seems to think a lot of what I do is kind of cool . . . and besides, he knows what it means to be a perpetual hobbiest; he can't throw stones at this point!
Maybe it's time, finally time, to let the cat out of the bag, coax the Snape out of the dungeon, and be more active in the world. Maybe I'd not only be successful, but do some good. Be disgusted though I often might with the human race, I still admire its potential, am in love with its artworks and music, and, hate it though I do at times, I'm part of it. Which includes being a magickal being.
In business, this extending out, this opening up, is obvious: Pick a public handle, which is something I have trouble with, and market my wares, and develop a rep. What about in my practice?
With my little coven, I may be more involved with pagan events this year it seems than ever before; not just attending a couple of large overnighters, but planning rituals. Living with fellow witch Kathleen is helping with that. But even if I weren't, the growth of the Witches of the Kitchen Table has invited me into the spheres of excitement, growth and, yes, drama possible within a group of witches. I find it's giving me a little boost to my own magick, where it was lacking for son long.
But it doesn't for a moment mean I have to become dependent on a group, or abandon all my solitary practice. Hearing stories of drama from my coven-sisters, and looking at the experience of Sarah Lawless with abuse and fakery within the pagan community, I rather think it's better that I don't --- as well as a boon that I've been a Solitary for so long. Like "being cool" in the context of others' opinion, spiritual placement, affirmation or growth in a group can be taken away by that group at any time, leaving a seeker adrift. When you know your path is your own from Day One, you're more hardwired to say, "So long, I've learned what I needed to here," "No thanks, this isn't quite doing it for me," or even, and no joke, "Fuck you, no I do NOT need to fuck you to be enlightened or initiated!" There are perks, it seems, to a solitary ritual initiation under the auspices of the Ice God and Goddess --- nobody to tell you you aren't properly divine, and nobody to give you STDs!
Was I ever an "innocent" witchy newcomer, like some others I read about? Curious, questing, yes; innocent, not really. If I thank my parents for one thing, it was that scepticism, that keen "bullshit-meter", that has kept me safe and sound and owner of my own self, living a largely drama-free, abuse-free life. Like Hermione, I read one book and then read another, and then I tried the practice described. Maybe it means I'm a bit laid-back and slower on the get-go in all areas of life than some folks who throw their whole hearts into things, but it's kept me from wasting a lot of energy, too. When I finally do things, I do them right.
After considerable mulling over of ideas, maybe it's time to take another crack at it, on multiple levels: in community involvement, in writing, in business. Maybe I'm just feeling that Mercury-moving-into-Aries vibe at the moment. If I was never fully innocent, I'm certainly no longer young and naive, as a witch, mage or basic human. For better or worse, there are few stars clouding my eyes about human nature or public events, so I can probably attend a couple of festivals safely and with enjoyment, if not quite with the new-to-paganism giddy ecstasy enjoyed by some folks (Is giddy, blind ecstasy in group settings even still attainable for someone who spends so much spiritual time with Snape? I have yet to find out).
And if I do emerge again, like the warlock from his tower? I have to embrace the fact that I will get noticed. Not may, but will, on some level. As I write this, I realize what a refuge being solitary and private is for me. "Fuck people, fuck their world." Retreat is still possible. For anyone of remotely empathic nature, this can be a saving fact. It is, as Nelson Mandela says, and whose words I copied into my Book of Shadows at age nineteen, my light that most frightens me. The idea of folks being suddenly attracted to that light, and leaving me unable to shut it off and hide. Being noticed doesn't equate to full-blown fame, of course; but as The Rock Says, "Fame is a funny thing, especially when it comes on you like a thunderstorm." One trigger, one hook that grabs people's imaginations, and I have to be ready: Ready for people to say about me what they did about Sarah Lawless, especially after she spoke the truth; ready for people to think about me what I myself think of Silver RavenWolf (um, barf?); and perhaps heaviest of all, ready for people to expect of me, whatever it is they come to expect. The name J.K. Rowling now has the expectation of millions attached to it, and even with her billions she can do anything except run and hide.
In the same vein as expectation, I realize, is perhaps a fear of mine greater than what or who my light attracts. It's the fear of being frozen. Quantum physics shows us that something changes as soon as you behold it: The mere act of observing forms a relationship. Despite my grounded, earthy nature, I'm quite a fluid, fluctuent personality: I change modes, I change styles, I change media. As soon as I enter the public eye, people will try to categorize and pigeonhole me, freeze me into a set of expectations. Even a fluid persona has to deal with this: No matter what she tries on, Madonna is still seen as Madonna, the Catholic girl showing off her underwear, and I too have to accept the fact of people's first or most basic impression of me coloring their perception of everything I put out there.
Writers and true mages tend to be shy. But the truth is, shy or no, if I offer anything to the world . . . any story, any scientific report, any product . . . then I have to be ready for the possibilities that follow. And, be ready to remain true to myself, no matter which of those possibilities unfold. But the secret, I think, lies in persisting despite those fears. In living and sharing anyway, and fuck what people think. Because while being shy and observant has gotten me safely through what may have been the riskiest, naivest years of my life, there comes a time when you must take what you've learned, at wherever level that happens to be, and present your truth, hobby, passion, or story, and see where it goes. There may be a payoff, or not; chances are, it will help at least one person, or maybe even species. If nothing else, it will help me: It will help me grow. I write this on the eve of finishing my book about bees, and trying my hand at vending products again, as well as attending some new (for me) festivals. The cusp of change, and visibility, is very real.
And when it really comes down to it . . . fuck what people think. Dare I call myself ready to see my reflection in the mirror of other minds and souls? How can I be anyone else but, well, me? A person who draws a chunk of their spiritual power from Snape is probably not someone it's wise to mess with, but that is only a part of who I am; it needn't be the whole. Severus is only one of my many manifestations over many years, and one of the few --- one of only two --- I didn't create myself.
I know I'm not alone, among who struggles with what to reveal to the world, with how much to reveal and when, or if it will be good enough. Sometimes when I get discouraged, Snape himself, the most shuttered soul of them all, as my spiritual guide, whispers snarkily and silkily in my ear, saying:
"Just think --- if she had given up, or committed suicide . . . the world would not have me."
The world seems to pause then.
"Plenty of people hate me, certainly," he continues; "but think of how many do not. If my story touched one person with the power of love, it was worth it. If it saved one person from suicide myself, it was worth it. If I am on one person's altar, it was worth it. If I turned one person into a master of herbs and potions and healing and magic, or sparked awareness of one population's plight, be it animal, vegetable or mineral, then, you silly one, it is worth it.
Who are you not to do the same?"
It's the following day now, and I've just read this! Seems legit, as they say:
" FULL MOON in Libra on April 19th/20th 2019 ~~
With a second Full Moon Blue Moon in Libra, the cosmos is focusing our consciousness on our relationships. The sacred dance of the masculine and feminine is being recalibrated at foundational levels.
There are greater forces at work moving us all into new evolutionary pathways, we must trust that ultimately these changes are leading us toward greater expansion and fulfillment.
“In the Full Moon chart the ruler of the Full Moon is Venus exalted in Pisces heading to the OMEGA POINT of 29 Pisces.
“We also have Juno the Goddess of partnership and marriage at 29 Gemini! So much 29th degree symbolism speaks to huge endings playing out right now- huge chapters finishing, stories completing, timelines ending- particularly in relationship.
“Venus and Juno have to do with relationship- romance (Venus) and committed partnership (Juno)…so we have a trifecta of Moon, Venus and Juno- mother, lover and wife- powerfully aligned in the Full Moon chart.
“HUGE REVELATIONS around what is working and what is not are incoming in relationships. The scales of balance that are out of balance are showing themselves for what they are.
“Personally this can play out in relationships of all kinds in our personal lives… but on a collective level this is about the imbalance playing out in the MASCULINE FEMININE dance.
“…I leave you with Ellias Lonsdale’s Star Sparks meditation for this Full Moon… I am struck by how he speaks to the need to face shadow (this year is ALL ABOUT SHADOW WORK- for a special offering please read below post)- and he talks about the polarization of being loved or hated- being exalted or scapegoated.
“The shadow of Libra is where we care more about how others see us than we do about living the embodied Truth of our being.
“Libra will deny the self to keep things peaceful with others.. yet this Full Moon is opposite Uranus and the Sun and quincunx Chiron- so the boat is going to be rocked.
“…The fiery way is not for the faint of heart. But if you want to be transformed there is no other option! And this Full moon will help you navigate the journey.”
~Divine Harmony
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