For a Love of Snakes

"Don't lie to me. You can't honestly say I'm not cute."

With a lot of posts on serious discourse lately, I figured it's good to keep a sense of humour.

Photos of animals captioned with human sentiments are a perennial favourite. Personally, I love the one of a bear flopped on its backside with its insanely long tongue hanging out: bad breath today? The entire Blue Day Book was pretty cute; it made a good gift. Yet I'm also weird. This thing with snakes, for instance.

You'd think it'd be a lot easier to pull humour out of a creature with a more mobile facial expression. But in the right context, even a "cold" (and cold-blooded) animal can seem funny.

"Yyyyeahnevermind, I am so skiving off Quidditch practice. Weather stinks, mate."

"Bluehh . . . I knew I shouldn't've crammed that last helping of trifle."

"So where are you from? Wait, are you a cousin of Nagini? Like, the Nagini? . .!"

So, here's a poke at anything Slytherin, since even when we try to be serious and threatening, we can come across as a joke. Quit twinkling already, Albus.

"B-b-but, what if I'm not in Slytherin. . .?"

"Son . . . we'll love you even if you end up in Hufflepuff. It's only if you get sorted into Gryffindor, you and I are gonna need to have a little talk."

"Stuffing me in a Weasley jumper?! Right, this is the ultimate offense. You are so paying for this one."

"Ngh. Either I just survived McGonagall's theory exam or the Hufflepuffs stampeded past for dinner."

"Rats, I forgot to ask if this Death Eater gig came with a vacation plan. . . ."

Then there are our friends with rattle boxes. Even a lot of ophidiophiles aren't keen on rattlesnakes! They're not the prettiest reptile, being dressed in speckly earth colours to blend in against, well, dirt. They're venomous, above all, and then there's that nasty noise they make. They even look mean, with a built-in frowning brow that helps shield their slit-pupiled, night vision eyes from bright sun.

But when you need to sneak up on dinner, you evolve ways to hide. Then, because you're so well-hidden, you evolve ways to be noticed only when you need to be. Because, like, you're getting trodden underfoot by every darn klutz that crosses your path.

"Yeah, think a Firebolt's everything? Check out this new move."

Slytherin Common Room, after a Quidditch victory or before an exam

"Up yours, Potter."

I noticed that besides a cute little noisemaker, a rattlesnake's tail is banded in startling black and white, like a tiny road warning sign. These low-profile folks thought of everything!

"Well, heck, this thing was working last time I checked . . . I got the deluxe model and everything. . . ."

"But Cissa, dear, I told you if we only let him ---"

"And I told you, Lucius honey, I don't believe a word of it! Now, do you care about our son, or not?"

I respect rattlers as an amazing and fascinating animal, no less than other snakes. But it's also true that where I grew up, I didn't have to worry about stumbling on one. Unlike my southern parents, I never got impregnated with that fear and loathing. I also don't elevate them above other snakes due to the "macho" factor, as it seems so many people do. Yet it is fun to find either beauty or humour in a traditionally repugnant animal!

Mom: "I don't like rattlesnakes."
Me: "I know . . . it's just, anything with its babies is kind of cool."
A pause.
Mom: "I really don't like rattlesnakes."
Shrugging, I close the photo of the mother rattler and kids on my computer.

(For the record, female rattlers do "mother" their young, at least as far as parental care can go in a snake, including protection from enemies; herding stray kids back to the den; and providing warmth, since a big snake stores body heat longer than a little one.)

I did inquire at a local emporium recently if they had rattlesnake rattles for sale. Powerful medicine, that. But nope --- they're protected. There was a bit of irony, what with the python skins and beaver teeth and all the different animal parts and leathers on the shelves, but in truth, I'm glad to hear it. Now, if we can just get those awful rattlesnake roundups banned!

"Y'all clear out! How many times we got to tell yew? No solicitors! And no gas-drillin' landgrabbers, either!"

"I said - not - like -" "Arg, stoppit! Give me that!" "You're doing it wrong, let me --"

"I just love this tune, don't you?"

"Good lord, Alastor, your breath is awful -- when did you last attend this kind of event?"

"Ohmygahhhh the ruddy hell are you --? Gerrout of our common room! SNAPE!! Somebody get Professor Snape!! There's a ruddy Gryffindor got in past our soddin' wall!"

"Well, well, look what we have here."

"Oi, somebody did tell you this en't a place you're s'posed to be, right?"

"Get 'im, mates!"

Then there's this.

"Beg your pardon? What do you mean, not affectionate? I'm totally a people type. If you're family, that is. I take great care of my family; it's just anybody else I eat."

(It's true: Burmese pythons and Anacondas have specific-person and/or owner recognition.)

So I admit it: Snakes aren't for everyone. But nor is Slytherin, either. We're weird that way.